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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Mallus Compulsis Accentia

Mumbai , 20 December ( phookas.blospot correspondent) ,

Eminent Sociologists and Psychologists have recently announced the discovery of a new species called as Mallus Compulsis Accentia . This species is found in abundant numbers in scores of malls across the length and breadth of India. It is characterized by the large amount of shopping bags that it accumulates on weekly basis and the strange obsession with anything having the word Mall in it. This is a highly social species and tends to move in groups of varying sizes.

Experts are baffled by the seemingly endless capacity of shopping possessed by this species. Members of species don't mind paying exorbitant prices for products that would cost half the amount elsewhere. This species has a strong affinity for International Brands and would not be caught dead wearing anything other than a Levi's, Allen Solly, Red Tape, Ray-Ban and Nike. They dislike shopping anywhere else and are prepared to die defending their favorite mall. Strangely enough, the title of Favorite mall changes hands anytime a bigger and even more expensive mall opens up. Their affinity towards malls is so much that many times they come to the malls with shopping the last thing on their minds. In case of males this can be explained by the desire to goggle at the female of the species who are inexplicably clad in tightest and shortest of clothes. Psychologists have been hard pressed to find a reason for this species' desire to participate in silliest of contests and generally make a big fool of themselves in front of large crowds. This species is also characterized by the desire to eat at the food courts where the cuisine and prices range from absurd to ridiculous. Oh! And as water is never served at these food courts, they only drink mineral water.

These animals move in packs of varying sizes and composition. In case of a family, the pack is led by a male with an amazingly big paunch and a wallet to match. His wife is always dressed according to the fashion of the day and often suffers from the delusion that age is only in the mind. They are accompanied by 2 or 3 kids all of whom are dressed impeccably in international brands and speak perfectly accented English. The second type of group is a mixed group consisting of young males and young females; all of them armed with numerous credit cards. This group behaves in a most peculiar manner. They have a constant urge to use words like dude, yo baby, bucks, chill and many more absurd words which look out of place everywhere except for perhaps a meeting of American teenagers. They will always take care to flaunt their mobile phones and speak in the loudest voice possible leading to a possible hearing damage amongst innocent passersby. These youngsters are characterized by low-waist jeans which are worn as low as possible. According to experts, this is a characteristic of both males and females. The only differentiating factor is what the person is trying to show off. The male displays amazing foolishness in thinking that displaying the label of his internationally branded underwear will end up making him the coolest being on earth. The female of this species falls into the deadly trap of trying to attract boys by showing off the skin of their backs and that ultimate turn-on: Belly Button. This species shows amazing disregard for the repulsion which others feel when having to endure looking at this spectacle during their stay at the mall.

All the members of this species speak in strangely accented English that fails to hide what essentially is a pitiful attempt to sound cool. Of course, this accent is not remotely close to actual American or English accent and the speaker ends up sounding like Bill Clinton trying to speak Tamil. Their accented speech is liberally peppered with the words that have been mentioned above. Experts are at a loss to explain why they choose to speak in English when they can perfectly talk in Hindi or their own regional language. What further amazes linguists is that other members of these species can always make out what others are speaking in spite of the incomprehensible accent.

This species has recorded one of the highest rates of growth and has really proliferated in last 3 years. Experts predict that their numbers are going to increase at even greater rate and very soon they will overtake Pagus Threenis horribilum as the dominant life-form of Indian Metroes.

This study was sponsored by the Mall Owners association of India. A detailed report can be obtained free of cost at any of the big city malls provided the person demanding can successfully demonstrate the characteristics of this species.

- phookas.blogspot News Bureau


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